No, its not ‘just you’. I felt like the new Season of Hemlock Grove sucked too. Last season, they had something and this season they lost it. In this post, I have pointed out 10 things that sucked about this season. I did not put these bullets in any specific order, only as they came up in my mind 24 hours after viewing Season 2. Alert: This does contain spoilers.
10.) The Definition of a super-whore- anyone who screws both a vampire and werewolf at the same time.
The world needs to apologize to Kristen Stewart because beside the drifter formally known as the breast bleeding Miranda- Stewart looks like a saint. So, Yes (spoiler alert), both Roman and Peter sleep with the same girl at the same time and the situation was as awkward as it is written.
9.) Pedophilia is o.k. if you grow up to be a hot chick
You know how they introduced a love interest for Destiny? They brought in a former ice cream truck driver guy that used to eye molest Destiny as a young girl, at a local swimming hole. So, naturally she screws him at a funeral- I guess the ice cream truck was the ‘turn on’. The fact that he remembers her when she was young and yet he is screwing her. Just forget the fact that most gypsies are related. So, its o.k. to sleep with a random guy that remembers you from childhood, whom you meet at a funeral. O.k. so we are overlooking that fact that 90% of people that show up to a funeral are related or distant cousins. I got a new saying ‘everything’s o.k. when you in the gypsy camp’.
8.) Even for vampires anal rape hurts
Several times, we have seen Norman grab Olivia and nothing short of have very rough sex with her. So, in one scene, he realizes that she killed his wife Marie–his way of dealing with it–anal rapes. Is the solution to every problem with these people strange and awkward sex? Now, mind you I don’t know much about anal rape but I do feel the need to say that a– for the two of you- adding gel, oil or some type of cream can reduce the pain caused by the friction and tearing that will result. Get the imagery of putting a rusty old nail in an eve older hole- you need oil or you likely to get tinnitus. But yea- vampires don’t have sphincters I guess so they just fill up full of shit!
7.) More Vargulf please
What was the purpose of bringing back the Vargulf from Season 1?- To display Shelly’s animal like strength? I mean really? At what point in the writers room, did adding the dead Vargulf girl make any sense? It was unnecessary.
6.) Let’s copy aspects of Dune
The weird little girl, glowing blue eyes- etc. I was expecting a member of the House of Atreides to step out or a silk worm to gobble up the town. Some of the ideas this season, were lifted straight from the movie Dune.
5.) Piercings are gross
I am far from being a prude but I get sick when anyone takes a piercing out to further examine the body part. So, when you zoom in on a young lady removing a nipple piercing, I get a little sick. Sorry, it does not float my boat. This also goes for elaborate story telling tattoos- I don’t have to know you to see that you have poor decision making because you already have multiple tattoos. So, freaking and choosing to stay at a house where you begin lactating, you sleep with a werewolf and than a vampire and you are whisked away by a pterodactyl is not so far fetched. I believe you because you have tattoos.
4.) Ball Cutting
What’s with the random homo erotic aspect of cutting off balls? Where did those guys go? Did they die? The idea of cutting off a man’s balls as a form of debt payment is understandable- I wish I had $20,000 but to not do a follow-up is poor writing. So, anytime something like that is placed in a script like that, it is added for shock value and not really an effective method of punishment considering we never got to see what happen to those guys.
3.) Shit Walls
O.k. there Mr Lahey. Remember if you want to get your point across, shit on yourself and rub it on the wall to mean you are serious? I am sure keeping a pen within arms length was just less dramatic.
2.) Replay that again
How did the kids Dad that was helping Shelly make a bad situation worse? Well for starters, he pointed a gun at the wrong person and shot ‘Nana’ in the neck and than Shelly picks him up and throws him but the next scene, his head is pierced by a wooden beam. Not to mention the childs’ mother, I believe, was so random when she entered that scene. So, she randomly pulls out a full-on butcher knife and stabs Shelly- that is street. Where did that wooden beam come from? and are we just going to ignore the fact that Shelly is responsible for that kid being the next Batman? Additionally, the true lesson here was that people who intervene in beating will likely fall into a shit-storm.
1.) That ending sucked!
What the Hell was that thing at the end? No only was the CGI weird, how the Hell could Olivia see a crazy bird like creature from the ground? and why on Earth are more and more people, when fighting evil, not realize that the only effective way to kill a demon creature is to cut off its head. Not jam the head into medical supplies? To make matters worse, does no one carry a gun. Does everybody have to get cut up before managing to randomly win a fight that could have been solves rather quickly if someone brought a gun or at least a taser. Who fights with a freaking old ass axe? Shooting at the bird, may have wounded it enough to climb down from the balcony to save your demon baby.
Also, did they just breeze through the fact that Roman is a rapist that somehow rape and killed his sister-cousin Letha? Explain how he did that? when did he do that? How can he be in 2 places at once? maybe he needed to tap that special ability while watching his baby being whisked away.
I am sorry but this Season sucked! If it was not Peter whining about his mother- turning over bookshelves to show he is angry, looking like he consistently needed a hot shower and a comb- When did funky, dirt trash, become the new ‘hot’? Roman’s constant bitching about his mother just made me think of Francis from Malcolm in the Middle. They have this Oedipus-like relationship with their Mother. These young men claim to hate her but won’t stop talking about her. Or how about Roman being so hungry he wanted to suck the blood puss out of a vagrants cold sore– I am not making this up. Olivia, going from not the Olivia, we observed in Season 1- to Norman’s bitch-dog until she uses the line ‘all I wanted was your heart’ before she rips it out. Shelly pissing me off because she’s just so got-dang pitiful! We, know you’re weird Shelly– can we move on or at least refer the girl to a plastic surgeon.
I am throughly disappointed in Hemlock Grove this season. I understand they are branching into unchartered territory since the book kind of ended at Season 1 but this season looked weak, whiny and just overtly ‘True Bloody’. I am not likley to view a third season.